My fear

My Aunt, me and Mom

   Today I am going to talk a little bit about my Mom-

When my Mom was in her early 40's, she was diagnosed with cancer. I was still living at home, and in school. I can still vividly remember the day I was told and that day changed my life forever:

 I walked in the front door and Mom and Ray ( my step-dad) were in the living room. I remember my Mom had a red shirt on...this was 1988, and that shirt is still ingrained in my mind.

 My Mom was sitting on the couch, I decided to stay standing. They both proceeded to tell me that she had cancer. I remember being so afraid. My Mom's sister had cancer and died when I was around 10years old, so I knew this wasn't good. I related my Aunt's death to possibly my own Mother. I related cancer to a death sentence.

 I loved my Mom and thinking she was going to die, devastated me. She started chemo and radiation, and she got very sick from these treatments. She lost her hair, lost numerous amounts of weight. She lost her spark and spunky attitude.

  At times I would go and spend the night with my Mom in the hospital. I never liked doing this, I didn't like being around sick people...this is one area I  still feel guilty about even as an adult. I feel I should have helped her more, helped Ray out more. I didn't want to face the fact that she was sick...I was in, DENIAL!! 

 We eventually had to put a hospital bed in the family room, so she didn't have to climb the stairs. I can still remember a conversation my Mom and I had on that hospital bed. We both were talking and she started to cry, she told me she didn't want to die. Now, remember I was young, I was her daughter and I was afraid. Hearing my Mom telling me this, just fueled the fear. I wanted to run away even more. 

 My Mom did die. She passed away a few years after getting diagnosed (she was 46). She and I had a rough life together. She had many struggles and I had much trauma due to that. I always tried to forgive her. I was her daughter, she was my Mother. I wrote a letter to my Mom and after she died we found it in her wallet. I was so honored that she kept it, for that confirmed she did love me after all,  so I wrapped it in her two hands while in her casket, and I had her take it with her. Knowing a little piece of me went with her that day we buried her, brought some solace into my heart.

  It seems every time I turn around I hear about another friend, family member, person getting cancer. This is why, when I go to Hippocrates, I want to absorb as much as I can about ways to fight cancer. I will learn how to eat in a way that keeps my cells pure and disease free. I will learn about ways to prevent all diseases not just cancer...diabetes, heart...etc.

 I think I always knew my Mom wasn't going to live a very long life. She was sick quite a bit and didn't take care of herself. My worst fear had come true! And, due to that fear, I feel even more driven to take care of myself, my health, and family's health.

 Life is different without a Mom. I miss her everyday. She never witnessed me getting married or met my daughters. I wish I could pick up the phone, call her and say "hey Mom how is life". That wish will never happen. But, the one wish I will keep hoping for is, that one day we will eradicate cancer, and any other disease that will traumatize a daughter, son, family member, or friend.  It will happen- maybe not in my lifetime, but hopefully my children's lifetime..

As always, stay tuned....